Mixed emotions.

Gomez Adams

Grammar Fascist
Staff member
Dec 1, 2020
Suwanee, Georgia
Someone far wiser than I once defined mixed emotions as seeing your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new Cadillac.

Well, then there's the dilemma I now sit in: Shopping for a colonoscopy knowing it needs to be done but knowing what it entails.
I've had 4 or 5 already. It was prompted by a long ulcer history and so the military docs did my first. They did find one non-cancerous polyp. Because of that polyp though, they recommended another scope every five years. Two through four were clear and number five had another non-cancerous polyp.
Coincidentally, just before each session that a polyp was found an optometrist had told me I had developed a small (non-sight damaging) pigment spot on my interior eyeball. I would come to find out later that eyeball pigment spots and colon polyps share a genetic strand. (Yes I've had five and actually need to book number six).

(anecdote, not for the weak)

I get given some small pills before going in and very quickly I am quite sedated to the point that I actually do NOT remember any "insertions". I seem to always start to come around just near the end. Once I remember having a small discomfort at this point as the doctor 'added' air to round a 'corner' near the end. Kind of like having had a good amount of gas from beans.
But then comes my favourite part - it has always been the same experience. They tell you to relax as they are going to remove the scope and it can only be described as having the longest, most satisfying shit in the world. I kid you not.
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I'm reading reviews of the places all around here and all of them are bad. Most of the doctors have good reviews, but their office staffs are all either crooks, completely incompetent or both.

This is going to take a while.
I'm coming up on 40. A friend of mine is telling me I should get the light up the ass ASAP. Turns out his friend or cousin or something like that was feeling like shit and they found out he was eat up with colon cancer and the guy was only 43. I'm just really on the fence as I have a my ass is a one way street frame of mind. Guess I'll need to get over that sooner rather than later.
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Wait til you have the clean-out juice.
Yeah. I'm supposed to start that at 4. I do one at 4 and one a 7. My big problem is that after I drink one, which is 16 ounces, I have to drink two more 16 ounce glasses of water within an hour. That's just short of half a gallon in an hour combined.

To put it in other terms, it's 4 beers. In one hour. I'm not sure I can hold that much fluid in that short a period of time.